The other day a friend asked for my thoughts on some parenting issues. I wrote a response to her in Facebook but due to size limitations was not able to post it. So I am posting it here.
Her request:
needs advice from all the parents out there and Jane.... my friend Rebekah brought up an interesting thought. Kids at 5 and 7 do not really understand "gratitude" and "money" and "earning", etc... I think she's probably right. What are your thoughts? How do we grow grateful children? By being grateful ourselves right? It all comes back to us, the parents.
My looong response:
Well, let me first say that I am not a parent, but I've observed a lot and have worked with kids so these are just my thoughts and opinions.
Money was tight on our family growing up. My mom was a stay-at-home mom until I was in high school. It was rare for moms to be working in the 60's and early 70's in central Nebraska. We did not have a TV until I was in the third grade. We helped with housework, dishes, folding laundry and ironing - I had to iron pillow cases, handkerchiefs, and my dad's t-shirts. We had to rake grass - no grass catcher on push lawn mower or electric lawn mower. We had to help clean out the garage at least twice a year. We also had to help with scooping snow from the long drive way and the sidewalk. Our beds had to be made every morning and toys always put away when we were not playing with them. Our toys were not kept in our rooms but in the playroom in the basement. Our outdoor toys had to be put away before supper - bikes, skates, pogo stick, hula hoops, etc in their proper places in the garage. Now I'm sure some of you are saying "and you had to walk 2 miles in 2 ft snow with hot potatoes in your mittens to get to school". No, I didn't but my mom did! ;). Really!! She lived on a farm and went to a one-room school! She even taught at one-room schoolhouse!
Did I have a childhood? Yes! We were outside playing all the time. Cold or rainy days we played inside. Tree houses, riding bikes, roller skating, playing marbles, swinging, going to the park for the big slide and monkey bars and merry-go-round, playing fox n geese in the snow, building snow forts and tunnels, playing tag, hide n seek, playing house, playing dolls, paper dolls, playing school, playing Aggravation and Monopoly, etc. etc. I could play by myself, with my 3 sisters, church or school friends, or neighbor kids.
I also loved to read. I went to the school library and public library always checking out the limit. You could often find me at the top of a willow tree reading a book. That was how I dealt with needing space from siblings. ;). I was a tree climber and they were not.
The only lessons we had were swimming lessons and piano lessons. Had to practice the piano at least 30 minutes every day.
We spent most every Saturday at my grandparents' farm working. Shucking corn, plucking chicken feathers, gathering eggs, carrying water to chicken houses, feeding chickens and hogs and cattle, planting/weeding/harvesting garden, canning and freezing, separating fresh milk/cream, dusting, dishes, baking, checking pastures and cattle, and hauling bales. Sometimes we actually fought over who got the privilege of doing certain chores! We also had fun playing in the barn and hayloft, playing with the kittens, playing board games and Rook, singing around the piano while my aunt played, sledding and ice skating, going for walks, swinging, and when old enough driving the tractor. My playmates were my siblings and my cousins.
Where am I going with all of this?!
When I look back and then look forward to today's kids, what's changed??
Imagination and creativity in playtime has greatly disappeared. Few children can create new worlds and scenes to play in and with. They rely on others - tv, videos/dvds, movies, video games, computers, etc. They look to be entertained. If kids didn't have access to the electronics, how long could they play? If you put them in a back yard without a pool or swingset, how long could they play? What would they play?
We have also had more prosperous times and thus toys are an abundance. Almost too many to keep track of. An initial fascination but overall? Also it used to be we got toys at Christmas and our birthday so they were treasured and cared for so they would last a long time. I remember playing with the same toys for 3-4 years (a doll, a Barbie, my bike was from 2nd grade to 8th). (Thinking about gratitude, I still remember WHO gave me some of my special toys.). Toys today are at a whim and "disposable". Toys at whim when I was a kid were found in a Cracker Jack box.
Work/chores/etc. were a part of being a member of the family. Mom and Dad were not staff. It was expected of us and not something we expected to get paid for. It was called "helping out". Working on the farm was not work. Ask my cousins. Those are some of our greatest and most fun memories. My sisters and I broached the subject of allowances many times and were always vetoed. But it didn't hurt us. I started babysitting in the 5th grade and had a newpaper route in the 6th-8th grade. I think us kids learned that Mom and Dad were our parents and would provide for us but were not our payroll providers. But we learned work ethics from this.
I think kids today have to be taught by example. We expect a lot from kids but have we taught and equipped them. If we don't want them to be electronic veggies and want them to play on their own, DO they know how to? Many kids are in daycare and then school--organized play and organized activities. Do they know creative, imaginative play? Do they know what they can do by themselves (read, build something, play dolls by self) or with a sibling or friend? Maybe they need to be taught. Have you become a kid and taught them how to play? Get a big box or a blanket and card table or craft sticks with crayons/paper/glue or a deck of cards or dominoes -- brainstorm with your kids and see what ideas and how many you can come up with. Spend at least 3 hours. For example: blanket and card table: house, camping in a tent, a fort, a secret clubhouse, hideout for reading, use blanket to drag one another around, turn table upside down and pretend it's river raft.
Kids can help out more at home than you think. I was a Pioneer Girl's leader for 1st and 2nd girls. I taught them basic sewing skills. Threading needle, knots, running stitch, back stitch, cross stitch, 2-hole & 4-hold & shank buttons. One of the mothers told me that after her daughter asked for items with missing and loose buttons so she could practice sewing, she realized her 1st grade daughter could probably put her own toothpaste on her toothbrush. We also did a cooking unit. Many of these girls had never helped in the kitchen. They did not even know how to tear lettuce for a salad.
I once took care of 7 year old foster girl for the weekends. We did some fun things like the zoo but mostly went to a nearby park. She had her responsibilities when she stayed with me. She would set the table, load the dishwasher after I rinsed the dishes, helped with food preparation, made her bed, helped at laundromat, and helped with dusting and vacuuming. I worked side by side with her teaching her but in her mind it was special one on one time. I got so many hugs during those "work" times.
I taught a 4th/5th/6th grade boys Sunday School class. They had a very out of control reputation before I got them. I set guidelines for them and they tested me for a month of Sunday's but I was consistent. Once they knew I was consistent, I was not challenged by them again. But I knew they needed to be challenged. I found different ways to illustrate or make them think about a Bible story. One example was rolling up strips of paper with the verses of the bible story and other facts and burying them in a tub of sand. The boys then had to use plastic spoons and go on an archealogical dig in Egypt. They dug up the story of Moses. Instead of focusing on a lesson book, we focused on the Bible itself. Knowing the competitiveness of boys, I came up with several contests for them - all achievable. We had an awesome class. Lots of people including parents commented that it was a totally different group of boys. It was the same boys but with acceptable behavior guidelines, and a challenging environment for them. (They were bored before - a doughnut and someone reading to them. ) They were an awesome group of kids.
Okay, rather lengthy here. I'm coming off of a very long 4 days so I'm not as succinct as I could be.
Imagination. Privileges vs rights. Responsibility and accountability. Guidelines and boundaries with consequences. CONSISTENCY. Lead by example. Teach side by side. Challenge vs entertain. It takes effort, time, maybe some research, consistency, and disciplined diligence. Also remember you are parent with authority. The child is not in charge. With life nowadays being crazy, it's hard but the reward is more valuable than anything.
Hope this makes some sense.
Her request:
needs advice from all the parents out there and Jane.... my friend Rebekah brought up an interesting thought. Kids at 5 and 7 do not really understand "gratitude" and "money" and "earning", etc... I think she's probably right. What are your thoughts? How do we grow grateful children? By being grateful ourselves right? It all comes back to us, the parents.
My looong response:
Well, let me first say that I am not a parent, but I've observed a lot and have worked with kids so these are just my thoughts and opinions.
Money was tight on our family growing up. My mom was a stay-at-home mom until I was in high school. It was rare for moms to be working in the 60's and early 70's in central Nebraska. We did not have a TV until I was in the third grade. We helped with housework, dishes, folding laundry and ironing - I had to iron pillow cases, handkerchiefs, and my dad's t-shirts. We had to rake grass - no grass catcher on push lawn mower or electric lawn mower. We had to help clean out the garage at least twice a year. We also had to help with scooping snow from the long drive way and the sidewalk. Our beds had to be made every morning and toys always put away when we were not playing with them. Our toys were not kept in our rooms but in the playroom in the basement. Our outdoor toys had to be put away before supper - bikes, skates, pogo stick, hula hoops, etc in their proper places in the garage. Now I'm sure some of you are saying "and you had to walk 2 miles in 2 ft snow with hot potatoes in your mittens to get to school". No, I didn't but my mom did! ;). Really!! She lived on a farm and went to a one-room school! She even taught at one-room schoolhouse!
Did I have a childhood? Yes! We were outside playing all the time. Cold or rainy days we played inside. Tree houses, riding bikes, roller skating, playing marbles, swinging, going to the park for the big slide and monkey bars and merry-go-round, playing fox n geese in the snow, building snow forts and tunnels, playing tag, hide n seek, playing house, playing dolls, paper dolls, playing school, playing Aggravation and Monopoly, etc. etc. I could play by myself, with my 3 sisters, church or school friends, or neighbor kids.
I also loved to read. I went to the school library and public library always checking out the limit. You could often find me at the top of a willow tree reading a book. That was how I dealt with needing space from siblings. ;). I was a tree climber and they were not.
The only lessons we had were swimming lessons and piano lessons. Had to practice the piano at least 30 minutes every day.
We spent most every Saturday at my grandparents' farm working. Shucking corn, plucking chicken feathers, gathering eggs, carrying water to chicken houses, feeding chickens and hogs and cattle, planting/weeding/harvesting garden, canning and freezing, separating fresh milk/cream, dusting, dishes, baking, checking pastures and cattle, and hauling bales. Sometimes we actually fought over who got the privilege of doing certain chores! We also had fun playing in the barn and hayloft, playing with the kittens, playing board games and Rook, singing around the piano while my aunt played, sledding and ice skating, going for walks, swinging, and when old enough driving the tractor. My playmates were my siblings and my cousins.
Where am I going with all of this?!
When I look back and then look forward to today's kids, what's changed??
Imagination and creativity in playtime has greatly disappeared. Few children can create new worlds and scenes to play in and with. They rely on others - tv, videos/dvds, movies, video games, computers, etc. They look to be entertained. If kids didn't have access to the electronics, how long could they play? If you put them in a back yard without a pool or swingset, how long could they play? What would they play?
We have also had more prosperous times and thus toys are an abundance. Almost too many to keep track of. An initial fascination but overall? Also it used to be we got toys at Christmas and our birthday so they were treasured and cared for so they would last a long time. I remember playing with the same toys for 3-4 years (a doll, a Barbie, my bike was from 2nd grade to 8th). (Thinking about gratitude, I still remember WHO gave me some of my special toys.). Toys today are at a whim and "disposable". Toys at whim when I was a kid were found in a Cracker Jack box.
Work/chores/etc. were a part of being a member of the family. Mom and Dad were not staff. It was expected of us and not something we expected to get paid for. It was called "helping out". Working on the farm was not work. Ask my cousins. Those are some of our greatest and most fun memories. My sisters and I broached the subject of allowances many times and were always vetoed. But it didn't hurt us. I started babysitting in the 5th grade and had a newpaper route in the 6th-8th grade. I think us kids learned that Mom and Dad were our parents and would provide for us but were not our payroll providers. But we learned work ethics from this.
I think kids today have to be taught by example. We expect a lot from kids but have we taught and equipped them. If we don't want them to be electronic veggies and want them to play on their own, DO they know how to? Many kids are in daycare and then school--organized play and organized activities. Do they know creative, imaginative play? Do they know what they can do by themselves (read, build something, play dolls by self) or with a sibling or friend? Maybe they need to be taught. Have you become a kid and taught them how to play? Get a big box or a blanket and card table or craft sticks with crayons/paper/glue or a deck of cards or dominoes -- brainstorm with your kids and see what ideas and how many you can come up with. Spend at least 3 hours. For example: blanket and card table: house, camping in a tent, a fort, a secret clubhouse, hideout for reading, use blanket to drag one another around, turn table upside down and pretend it's river raft.
Kids can help out more at home than you think. I was a Pioneer Girl's leader for 1st and 2nd girls. I taught them basic sewing skills. Threading needle, knots, running stitch, back stitch, cross stitch, 2-hole & 4-hold & shank buttons. One of the mothers told me that after her daughter asked for items with missing and loose buttons so she could practice sewing, she realized her 1st grade daughter could probably put her own toothpaste on her toothbrush. We also did a cooking unit. Many of these girls had never helped in the kitchen. They did not even know how to tear lettuce for a salad.
I once took care of 7 year old foster girl for the weekends. We did some fun things like the zoo but mostly went to a nearby park. She had her responsibilities when she stayed with me. She would set the table, load the dishwasher after I rinsed the dishes, helped with food preparation, made her bed, helped at laundromat, and helped with dusting and vacuuming. I worked side by side with her teaching her but in her mind it was special one on one time. I got so many hugs during those "work" times.
I taught a 4th/5th/6th grade boys Sunday School class. They had a very out of control reputation before I got them. I set guidelines for them and they tested me for a month of Sunday's but I was consistent. Once they knew I was consistent, I was not challenged by them again. But I knew they needed to be challenged. I found different ways to illustrate or make them think about a Bible story. One example was rolling up strips of paper with the verses of the bible story and other facts and burying them in a tub of sand. The boys then had to use plastic spoons and go on an archealogical dig in Egypt. They dug up the story of Moses. Instead of focusing on a lesson book, we focused on the Bible itself. Knowing the competitiveness of boys, I came up with several contests for them - all achievable. We had an awesome class. Lots of people including parents commented that it was a totally different group of boys. It was the same boys but with acceptable behavior guidelines, and a challenging environment for them. (They were bored before - a doughnut and someone reading to them. ) They were an awesome group of kids.
Okay, rather lengthy here. I'm coming off of a very long 4 days so I'm not as succinct as I could be.
Imagination. Privileges vs rights. Responsibility and accountability. Guidelines and boundaries with consequences. CONSISTENCY. Lead by example. Teach side by side. Challenge vs entertain. It takes effort, time, maybe some research, consistency, and disciplined diligence. Also remember you are parent with authority. The child is not in charge. With life nowadays being crazy, it's hard but the reward is more valuable than anything.
Hope this makes some sense.
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