Difficult Days

Some years ago some friends had a tragic death in the family. I was blessed with the opportunity to serve them and their family during that time. Prior experiences and my faith enabled me to serve them.

Here are some things I did and learned from others that may help you in serving someone during their time of need.  This list is not meant to cover all that could be done.

Provisions - with the family in crisis mode and family and friends coming to visit and all the funeral planning activities, these are things that are needed but the family shouldn't have to think about...

• toilet paper
• paper towels
• boxes of tissues (and little packs to put in purses/pockets)
• coffee (check for sugar/sugar substitutes and cream/cream substitutes)
• tea (check for sugar/sugar substitutes)
• paper plates (large and dessert plate size)
• paper bowls
• paper cups (for hot & cold)
• plastic ware (knives, forks, spoons, and serving spoons)
• napkins
• mints and gum - leave in bowl in accessible place
• laundry soap
• hand soap
• dish soap
• extra dish towels/clothes/scrubbers
• masking tape
• Sharpie marker (for cups)
• bottled water and canned sodas - in ice chests
• separate cooler with metal scoop (measuring cup) for drink ice
• offer to pick up several bags of ice daily for the ice chests and for drink
• postage stamps

Offer to do (just call and say you'll come by to do this at times convenient to them....don't ask them to call you if they need anything).

• clean house as soon as possible (vacuum, general pick-up, clean bathrooms) (when doing general pick-up bring a box or two and place things in those boxes so that they can be readily found)
• laundry (offer to come by and pick it up and return same day) - towels, bedding, (especially if overnight guests coming), their clothing
• stay at house during visitations and funeral (events when family not home)
• if you are close to family, offer to be there during the days to answer phone, door, receive food and flowers, and put out food at meal times
• clean out refrigerator/freezer - lots of food will be coming in - if you have a LARGE ice chest bring it in to hold extra food. Place bags of ice on the bottom and put ice in ziploc type bags and place on top of food (prevents water leaks into food).
• clean house day before funeral - vacuum, bathrooms
• if meals being served after/before funeral for family and/or guests, offer to bring food and to help with serving/cleanup
• pick up friends/family at airport
• if friends/family limited on funds (which is often the case in unexpected deaths), offer your extra bedroom(s)
• offer to babysit young children during appointment times, visitation, and possibly even during funeral service.  The family may want the children with them during these times and may not.  It's is their preference...no right or wrong.

Food

• Not just food for before the funeral and day of the funeral but the days after.  Sometimes all one can do is put one foot in front of the other without having to think about groceries or meal planning or preparation.  Very few sit down meals during this time.  May not feel hungry.  So consider healthy/nutritious easy to serve and nibble/snack food items.  If there is considerable traveling to be done, consider gift cards for area food services such as Subway, McDonald's, Wal-Mart, etc.  Gift cards are also good for local places for unknown food times, Valentino's, Hy-Vee, Russ's, Pizza Ranch, DaVinci's, etc.
• Salads (with dressing on the side) - and provide dressing
• Sliced meat - if you bring a ham or turkey, please pre-slice it as it makes it easier for serving and for storage.
• Meat trays or sliced cheeses/meats for a meat tray
• Rolls/Croissants - can be used with casseroles brought in or for sandwiches
• Veggie tray
• Fruit Salad - unless you know that there is a large crowd, bring just enough for one meal as fresh fruit tends to not last well
• Breakfast ideas - danish, coffee cakes, bagels (bring cream cheese), fresh fruit, fruit juice; items that can be eaten as desired...there is usually not a sit-down time for breakfast and folks are either getting ready (more bathroom scheduling then usual) or trying to brace themselves for the day. 
• Beverages as mentioned above in "Provisions".
• If you are there to help out at the house, keeping fresh coffee and ice tea is helpful too.
• Casseroles - Please provide recipe, freezing, and heating instructions.  Recipe helps inform eaters in case anyone has food allergies/sensitivities.   Please bring in disposable container.  It is a huge task to wash, store, and return someone else's dishes/pans.  And with many helpers in the kitchen, there are invariably 1-2 dishes that have anonymous owners.

Coordination:

• Church/Work - If you attend the same church or work with them, consider contacting the church or someone at work who may be coordinating efforts also.  
• Sensitivity - With trying to plan burial arrangements, funeral arrangements, visit with family/friends, and deal with grief, those who have been affected do appreciate help but need it to be as unobtrusive as possible.  
• Work with the known coordinators or volunteer to be the coordinator so those affected can focus on the mourning and not the coordinating.
• If you are coordinating or helping out at the home, keep a list of those who call, visit, bring food/provisions/flowers/etc, so that those affected will have the list for afterwards.  They will not remember all in these days so the list helps them know who helped out during those days.

You may or may not be able to help out during these times.  Remember to send a card/note and to keep those affected in your prayers for the days ahead.  The first year is rough....all the first's without.  Keep in contact.  Include them in activities.  Love them.